Post by twostakes on Mar 15, 2009 21:36:58 GMT
What is the Pink Panthers favourite band?
Duran, Duran, Duran, Duran, Duran Duran Duraaaaan
What car does a German Cowboy drive?
An Audi Pardner
why does popeye's thingy not rust?
cos he rubs it in olive oil
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A Lickalotapus
How do you titillate an ocelot?
Oscillate its tit a lot
What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
I went to the local video shop and I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I phoned the local builders today; I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no RobbieWilliams.
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I phoned the local builders today; I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Robbie Williams
Chinese guy playing golf, hits first drive 250 yards.
Man playing with him says "nice tee shot"
Chinese guy replys (add chinese accent for full effect) " thank you very much, but the sleeves are a bit short"
What's black and white, and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
Two Nuns are having a bath together. One Nun says to the other Nun “Wears the soap”. The other one says “Doesn’t it”.
I went to the doctors today as I got hit on the head by a set of bongos.
Doctor said I was suffering from slight percussion.
Jellybaby goes into a bar and orders "A pint of lager please, barman."
Barman glares at him and snaps "You'll have to wait! Can't you see I'm busy?"
Jellybaby replies "All right! Don't bite me 'ead off!"
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court?
Odour in the court
White Van Man gets pulled over. Copper says "What's in the back?"
WVM says "Penguins!"
Copper says " Oh yeah? Open it up !"
WVM opens the doors, the van is indeed full of penguins.
Copper says "Where did you get these ?"
WVM says "I won 'em in a card game. I dunno what to do with em."
Copper says "You should take 'em to the Zoo."
Week later they meet again. Opens the back, the penguins are still in there, only now they're wearing sunglasses and holding little buckets and spades.
Copper says "I told you to take 'em to the zoo!"
WVM replies "I took 'em to the zoo! And today I'm taking 'em to the seaside!"
what do you call a man with a spade on his head....
Doug
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff!
How do you tell the sex of a chromosome?
Take its genes off.
I saw a Rabbi at a bus-stop. Asked him, 'when is the next one due?'
He says, 'why did you have to bring up my religion in such a rude way?'
WDYCA man with a rabbit up his arse?
Warren
What do you call a chinese lady with her head jammed into a food processor?
Blenda!
I went to the doctor, and he said I was suffering from Tom Jones syndrome. I asked if it was common. He said...
It's not unusual.
How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her
I was to judge Mr Gay UK the other day. I said ok, he's sick and disgusting and a freak of nature and he shouldn't be allowed.
What do you call a woman with a greasy fry up on her head?
Kaff
an essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. "how many children?" asks the council worker.
"10" replies the essex girl.
"10???" says the council worker, "what are their names?"
"wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne and wayne".
"doesn't that get confusing?"
"naah..." says the essex girl, "its great because if they are out playing in the street i just have to shout waayne, yer dinners ready or waayne go to bed now and they all do it".
"what if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"thats easy," says the essex girl "i just use their surnames
n essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. she places a garment on the counter "i'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress" she says.
"come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"no" she replies. "this time its mayonnaise"
an essex girl enters a sex shop and asks for a vibrator. the man says "choose from our range on the wall"
she says "i'll take the red one"
the man replies "thats a fire extinguisher"
an essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. the paramedics soon arrive on site.
medic: "its ok, i'm a paramedic and i'm going to ask you some questions. ok?"
girl: "ok"
medic: "whats your name?"
girl: "sharon"
medic: "ok sharon, is this your car?"
sharon: "yes"
medic: "where are you bleeding from?"
sharon: "romford, mate."
an essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. it was her boyfriend, urgently warning her "treacle, i just heard on the news that theres a car going the wrong way on the A13. please be careful!"
"its not just one car!" said the essex girl "theres hundreds of them!"
another essex girl is involved in a serious crash, theres blood everywhere. the paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till shes lying flat out on the floor.
medic: "ok i'm going to check if you're concussed"
girl: "ok"
medic: "ok then, how many fingers am i putting up?"
girl: "oh my god, i'm paralysed from the waist down!"
A fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
Fastest cake in the world?
Scone.
Fastest fish?
Motor Pike and side Carp.
How much does an Essex Girl pay for her shampoo?
Pantene
What do you call an asian drug dealer?
Aba Daba Dis
What did the Buddhist say to the hot-dog seller?
Make me one with everything
So the hot dog guy gives the Buddhist the hot dog, and the Buddhist hands him a £20 note. After standing there for 10 minutes with his hand held out expectantly the Buddhist says "Where's my change?"
The hot dog seller simply smiled at him and said "Change must come from within".
Battersea dogs home is the latest to be hit by the credit crunch
Administrators are sending in the Retrievers
A priest, a rabbi, a blonde, two gay guys, a duck, and a dog all walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
What did the transexual want for Christmas?
To eat, drink and be Mary.
What's an Essex Girl's favourite wine?
"I wanna go shopping!"
what do you call a gay man who walks slow?
a slowmosexual
got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'magic`. Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!!
"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!
She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled...................
So I told her to f*ck off.
Two cows standing in a field. One turns to the other and says, "Are you worried about this Mad Cow's Disease?"
Second replies, "Why should I be worried? I'm a helicopter."
A Geordie walks into the Doctor's and says, "Why aye man, me armpit smells of chocolate and coconut."
Doctor replies, "Aye, well it's Bounty."
Bloke goes into a library and asks to borrow a book on suicide
Assistant says 'f*** off you won't bring it back'
A man walks into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman staring at him.
She stares for quite some time, so finally the man asked
"Do I know you?"
The woman answers
"I think your the father of one of my kids".
The man thinks for a minute then realises this kid she is talking about must be the result of the one and only time he ever cheated on his wife.
So he says to the woman:
"Are you the stripper that was at my best friend's bachelor party about 5 years ago?
You know, the one I had sex with on the pool table while your friend spanked my bare ass with a whip?"
The woman looks at him horrified and says
"No, I'm your son's teacher".
Nothing succeeds like a bird with no beak.
What do you call an asian searching through dustbins?
Ruma Jing
Took my missus to the the ice rink the other day it was only a pound.
I thought cheap skate.
The most powerful man in the world is black.
The best golfer in the world is black.
The fastest man in the world is black.
The fastest driver in the world is black...
...Michael Jackson must be kicking himself.
Why is soup Oasis' favourite food?
You get a roll with it.
Christmas was great at the Travolta house.
John got a PlayStation 3, his wife received an XBox 360, and his son had a Wii Fit..
Whats the most popular console game played in the Middle East?
Grand Theft Camel.
How did the suicide bombers son die?
He took him to Take Your Kid To Work Day.
....I went round to see my Grandfather last night. He stains floors ….
He doesn't mean to...
Ladbrooks have made Kate Winslett and Di Caprio 3/1 favorites for the Chelsea job in the summer as they both have previous experience of dealing with sinking ships
Man buys a bath but the water keeps leaking out so he goes back to the shop to complain. Salesman says "didn't it come with a plug?"
Man says "Nobody told me it was electric!"
A skeleton walks into a bar. He says, "Get me a beer........
......... and a mop."
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Can you smell carrot?"
What do you get if you cross a lawyer with The Godfather?
An offer you can't understand!
was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
I said "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh*t."
I had a mate who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
Statistically speaking, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
Little red riding hood is skipping though the forest, and she sees a little man at the foot of a tree with his head between his legs.
Scuse me mister, are you a goblin?
Nah, I've got headache.
woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about each other's bodies at that age."
''Curious about each others' bodies?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her f***ing appendix out!"
Patient: "Doctor, I have a problem. Yesterday I thought I was a TeePee, Today I think I am a WigWam"
Doctor: "You're Too Tense"
My Uncle was a terrible ventriloquist.
When I was little he used to put his hand up my arse and tell me to keep quiet.
have a counsin who is epileptic. I've got him a strobe light for his birthday. He's going to have a fit
40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travelers here. Can I let them in?'
God says 'We are over quota on Gypos.
Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will just let the dozen in.'
Less than a minute later St Peter is on the blower to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God.
'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'
'No, the gates'
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
He tells the priest, 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children and grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?"
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'
What have Chelsea Football Club, The Metropolitan Police and a Crabs-infested Brass all been thinking recently?
"Should never had gone for that Brazilian."
mates selling his telly if anyones interested,he only wants a tenner
its in good nick slight problem with the volume button
but at that price you carnt turn it down.
The Do-Do is dead. Dodi is dead. Di is dead. Dido must be s***ting herself.
Man walks into a library and asks for a book on Tourette's.
The librarian says, "F@ck off, you c@nt."
The man says, "Yep, that's the one."
A bloke goes into the doctors and says, "I've got a mole on my dick, can you remove it please?"
So the chap pulls his trousers and pants down, and the doc says, "Yes sir, I can remove that mole... but I'm afraid I'm going to have to report you to the RSPCA."
Wrapping your c*ck in the beano and w*nking on the bus is not part of 'Comic Relief'
whats the difference between frankie detorri and gary glitter?
nobody has a problem with frankie having a good ride on a two year old!
I see micheal jackson has just released some new dates..........
the parents should be relieved to get them back!!!
Statistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape
Ever heard of the eskimo lottery?
You've got to be Inuit to win it
What do you call an Asian DIY fanatic?
Ahmed Ma-Shed
A Texan buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife has just produced “a typical Texas” baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of “Wow!”
Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar.
The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”
The bartender, puzzled and concerned, asks, “Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth.”
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his longneck beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”
Murphy, an Irishman, applied for a Blacksmiths job.
At the interview he was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses.
He said 'No, but I once told a donkey to f ** k off'
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Bollocks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
went to see a sick friend in hospital earlier...
I found him in the morgue masturbating.
Alzheimer's protest march
"What do we want?"
"I don't know!"
"When do we want it?"
"Want what?"
Duran, Duran, Duran, Duran, Duran Duran Duraaaaan
What car does a German Cowboy drive?
An Audi Pardner
why does popeye's thingy not rust?
cos he rubs it in olive oil
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A Lickalotapus
How do you titillate an ocelot?
Oscillate its tit a lot
What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
I went to the local video shop and I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I phoned the local builders today; I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no RobbieWilliams.
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
I phoned the local builders today; I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Robbie Williams
Chinese guy playing golf, hits first drive 250 yards.
Man playing with him says "nice tee shot"
Chinese guy replys (add chinese accent for full effect) " thank you very much, but the sleeves are a bit short"
What's black and white, and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
Two Nuns are having a bath together. One Nun says to the other Nun “Wears the soap”. The other one says “Doesn’t it”.
I went to the doctors today as I got hit on the head by a set of bongos.
Doctor said I was suffering from slight percussion.
Jellybaby goes into a bar and orders "A pint of lager please, barman."
Barman glares at him and snaps "You'll have to wait! Can't you see I'm busy?"
Jellybaby replies "All right! Don't bite me 'ead off!"
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court?
Odour in the court
White Van Man gets pulled over. Copper says "What's in the back?"
WVM says "Penguins!"
Copper says " Oh yeah? Open it up !"
WVM opens the doors, the van is indeed full of penguins.
Copper says "Where did you get these ?"
WVM says "I won 'em in a card game. I dunno what to do with em."
Copper says "You should take 'em to the Zoo."
Week later they meet again. Opens the back, the penguins are still in there, only now they're wearing sunglasses and holding little buckets and spades.
Copper says "I told you to take 'em to the zoo!"
WVM replies "I took 'em to the zoo! And today I'm taking 'em to the seaside!"
what do you call a man with a spade on his head....
Doug
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff!
How do you tell the sex of a chromosome?
Take its genes off.
I saw a Rabbi at a bus-stop. Asked him, 'when is the next one due?'
He says, 'why did you have to bring up my religion in such a rude way?'
WDYCA man with a rabbit up his arse?
Warren
What do you call a chinese lady with her head jammed into a food processor?
Blenda!
I went to the doctor, and he said I was suffering from Tom Jones syndrome. I asked if it was common. He said...
It's not unusual.
How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her
I was to judge Mr Gay UK the other day. I said ok, he's sick and disgusting and a freak of nature and he shouldn't be allowed.
What do you call a woman with a greasy fry up on her head?
Kaff
an essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. "how many children?" asks the council worker.
"10" replies the essex girl.
"10???" says the council worker, "what are their names?"
"wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne, wayne and wayne".
"doesn't that get confusing?"
"naah..." says the essex girl, "its great because if they are out playing in the street i just have to shout waayne, yer dinners ready or waayne go to bed now and they all do it".
"what if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"thats easy," says the essex girl "i just use their surnames
n essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. she places a garment on the counter "i'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress" she says.
"come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"no" she replies. "this time its mayonnaise"
an essex girl enters a sex shop and asks for a vibrator. the man says "choose from our range on the wall"
she says "i'll take the red one"
the man replies "thats a fire extinguisher"
an essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. the paramedics soon arrive on site.
medic: "its ok, i'm a paramedic and i'm going to ask you some questions. ok?"
girl: "ok"
medic: "whats your name?"
girl: "sharon"
medic: "ok sharon, is this your car?"
sharon: "yes"
medic: "where are you bleeding from?"
sharon: "romford, mate."
an essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. it was her boyfriend, urgently warning her "treacle, i just heard on the news that theres a car going the wrong way on the A13. please be careful!"
"its not just one car!" said the essex girl "theres hundreds of them!"
another essex girl is involved in a serious crash, theres blood everywhere. the paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till shes lying flat out on the floor.
medic: "ok i'm going to check if you're concussed"
girl: "ok"
medic: "ok then, how many fingers am i putting up?"
girl: "oh my god, i'm paralysed from the waist down!"
A fish with no eyes?
Fsh.
Fastest cake in the world?
Scone.
Fastest fish?
Motor Pike and side Carp.
How much does an Essex Girl pay for her shampoo?
Pantene
What do you call an asian drug dealer?
Aba Daba Dis
What did the Buddhist say to the hot-dog seller?
Make me one with everything
So the hot dog guy gives the Buddhist the hot dog, and the Buddhist hands him a £20 note. After standing there for 10 minutes with his hand held out expectantly the Buddhist says "Where's my change?"
The hot dog seller simply smiled at him and said "Change must come from within".
Battersea dogs home is the latest to be hit by the credit crunch
Administrators are sending in the Retrievers
A priest, a rabbi, a blonde, two gay guys, a duck, and a dog all walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
What did the transexual want for Christmas?
To eat, drink and be Mary.
What's an Essex Girl's favourite wine?
"I wanna go shopping!"
what do you call a gay man who walks slow?
a slowmosexual
got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'magic`. Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!!
"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!
She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled...................
So I told her to f*ck off.
Two cows standing in a field. One turns to the other and says, "Are you worried about this Mad Cow's Disease?"
Second replies, "Why should I be worried? I'm a helicopter."
A Geordie walks into the Doctor's and says, "Why aye man, me armpit smells of chocolate and coconut."
Doctor replies, "Aye, well it's Bounty."
Bloke goes into a library and asks to borrow a book on suicide
Assistant says 'f*** off you won't bring it back'
A man walks into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman staring at him.
She stares for quite some time, so finally the man asked
"Do I know you?"
The woman answers
"I think your the father of one of my kids".
The man thinks for a minute then realises this kid she is talking about must be the result of the one and only time he ever cheated on his wife.
So he says to the woman:
"Are you the stripper that was at my best friend's bachelor party about 5 years ago?
You know, the one I had sex with on the pool table while your friend spanked my bare ass with a whip?"
The woman looks at him horrified and says
"No, I'm your son's teacher".
Nothing succeeds like a bird with no beak.
What do you call an asian searching through dustbins?
Ruma Jing
Took my missus to the the ice rink the other day it was only a pound.
I thought cheap skate.
The most powerful man in the world is black.
The best golfer in the world is black.
The fastest man in the world is black.
The fastest driver in the world is black...
...Michael Jackson must be kicking himself.
Why is soup Oasis' favourite food?
You get a roll with it.
Christmas was great at the Travolta house.
John got a PlayStation 3, his wife received an XBox 360, and his son had a Wii Fit..
Whats the most popular console game played in the Middle East?
Grand Theft Camel.
How did the suicide bombers son die?
He took him to Take Your Kid To Work Day.
....I went round to see my Grandfather last night. He stains floors ….
He doesn't mean to...
Ladbrooks have made Kate Winslett and Di Caprio 3/1 favorites for the Chelsea job in the summer as they both have previous experience of dealing with sinking ships
Man buys a bath but the water keeps leaking out so he goes back to the shop to complain. Salesman says "didn't it come with a plug?"
Man says "Nobody told me it was electric!"
A skeleton walks into a bar. He says, "Get me a beer........
......... and a mop."
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Can you smell carrot?"
What do you get if you cross a lawyer with The Godfather?
An offer you can't understand!
was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone.
I said "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh*t."
I had a mate who was suicidal.
He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
Statistically speaking, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
Little red riding hood is skipping though the forest, and she sees a little man at the foot of a tree with his head between his legs.
Scuse me mister, are you a goblin?
Nah, I've got headache.
woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about each other's bodies at that age."
''Curious about each others' bodies?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her f***ing appendix out!"
Patient: "Doctor, I have a problem. Yesterday I thought I was a TeePee, Today I think I am a WigWam"
Doctor: "You're Too Tense"
My Uncle was a terrible ventriloquist.
When I was little he used to put his hand up my arse and tell me to keep quiet.
have a counsin who is epileptic. I've got him a strobe light for his birthday. He's going to have a fit
40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40 travelers here. Can I let them in?'
God says 'We are over quota on Gypos.
Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will just let the dozen in.'
Less than a minute later St Peter is on the blower to God again. 'They've gone', he tells God.
'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'
'No, the gates'
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
He tells the priest, 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children and grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?"
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'
What have Chelsea Football Club, The Metropolitan Police and a Crabs-infested Brass all been thinking recently?
"Should never had gone for that Brazilian."
mates selling his telly if anyones interested,he only wants a tenner
its in good nick slight problem with the volume button
but at that price you carnt turn it down.
The Do-Do is dead. Dodi is dead. Di is dead. Dido must be s***ting herself.
Man walks into a library and asks for a book on Tourette's.
The librarian says, "F@ck off, you c@nt."
The man says, "Yep, that's the one."
A bloke goes into the doctors and says, "I've got a mole on my dick, can you remove it please?"
So the chap pulls his trousers and pants down, and the doc says, "Yes sir, I can remove that mole... but I'm afraid I'm going to have to report you to the RSPCA."
Wrapping your c*ck in the beano and w*nking on the bus is not part of 'Comic Relief'
whats the difference between frankie detorri and gary glitter?
nobody has a problem with frankie having a good ride on a two year old!
I see micheal jackson has just released some new dates..........
the parents should be relieved to get them back!!!
Statistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape
Ever heard of the eskimo lottery?
You've got to be Inuit to win it
What do you call an Asian DIY fanatic?
Ahmed Ma-Shed
A Texan buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife has just produced “a typical Texas” baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of “Wow!”
Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar.
The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”
The bartender, puzzled and concerned, asks, “Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth.”
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his longneck beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”
Murphy, an Irishman, applied for a Blacksmiths job.
At the interview he was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses.
He said 'No, but I once told a donkey to f ** k off'
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Bollocks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
went to see a sick friend in hospital earlier...
I found him in the morgue masturbating.
Alzheimer's protest march
"What do we want?"
"I don't know!"
"When do we want it?"
"Want what?"